its almost been a year since I picked up photography when I bought my laopo 4 Canon EOS 450D back in may 2008.. It feels like it has been a long journey and the man-machine integration has almost complete as one.. As much as I hoped, my avenue to enter wedding photography has pretty much died out and people who approach me for my services feel that $50 is too much.. as such, all of my shoots has either been done of my own accord or as a favour to my friends..
but as Raison D'etre Photography reaches its 1 year anniversary, I can't help but feel apprehension of what Raison D'etre Photography means to me anymore.. It used to be fun to learn more about photography and being 'wow-ed' by what I can do with a DSLR.. But nowadays, the wow factor isn't that prevalent anymore and just thanks from my friends seems insufficient.. Its almost like I've always been doing this for someone else.. Nowadays, a huge part of me wants to be the one photographed and not the photographer.. But I always cringe at the fact of how unphotogenic I am from a photographers point of view - my own point of view..
Taking 8GB of photos for someone else and I still hesitate and is labelled as a crime to want to take a photo of myself.. The photos I shoot for that 1 split second and edit for 10min each find their hands in happy/critical/unsatisfied recipients, but only 1 of 20 actually bother to find who took that image for them.. Raison D'etre Photography is the capturing of moments. The most beautiful and important memories are but a fleeting moment, but those precise moments are the ones I always aim to shoot.. But to be honest, I want those moments to be my moments more than for a random stranger I encounter in an event.. I really feel distant when I help hundreds of people take pictures yet they do not even know my name.. I feel distant when i edit 200 photos with none of me inside.. Being behind a camera never felt so painful...
I feel terribly empty as i stare at 8GB of photos.. Of memories... of beautiful moments... photos i spent 4hrs taking and possibly another 5hrs to edit.. maybe its time I took a break again... And maybe its time to stop photography... But on my honour of my photography, my art, Raison D'etre Photography.. I will see this project to its end...
dEminG What is my Raison D'etre? Truly?
My mind's unweaving/ 12:06 AM
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What used to be a personal blog to chronicle my life when I first started off, Now its just random ravings or thoughts as they come along!!
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